Thursday, July 05, 2007

Cast offs

Until I met my wife, had my kids, and met my in-laws, I had only made two trips to a hospital emergency room in my entire life thus far.7th grade, touch football. Got blindsided from a headblow by Eva Chen, a 78 lb. waif of a girl with arm bones the diameter of my air compressor hose and a smile that would dazzle even the most dedicated member of the "He-Man-Woman-Hater's-Club."The next thing I remember is the angelic face of the lovely Ms. Chen standing over me, her facial expression caught midway between a Spice Girl smirk and genuine concern, asking me if I was okay. ER doc said it was a mild concussion and that I should stay away from Eva Chen unless I wanted to take tackling lessons.

Eva went on to become one of WWF's leading money-makers in the Orient and retired with a staggering 42-2 record.

Not really. I think she sells real estate in Northern California. I hear she's really tough when negotiating closing costs.Mid-90's, wrapping up production on the first two stress-filled episodes of a PBS series. Appendicitis hits after a heavy meal of chow fun noodles. I now have a scar to match my Dad's.Classic moment came when my friend and Producer of the series came into my hospital room post-op, pulled me aside and asked me if stress can cause an appendix to burst. I lied and told him I didn't think so, but anythings possible. I still got paid for that week.

So, with only two trips to the ER under my belt, unlike many of my accident prone contemporaries, I was never privvy to the secrets of the broken bone bondage. Sure I had written humorous insults and drawn my version of Kilroy on many plaster coverings on friends and acquaintances over the years, but the mysteries of the procedures and practices associated with shattered subclavial shroudings had eluded me.

Until PK broke her arm a few weeks ago.

We managed to scuttle our way through the do's and don'ts of cast ownership and before we knew it, the day of cast removal was upon us.

Fearing that our small town doctor's ofice may pull some ancient, but tried and true form of a farm-type implement to cut the cast off, I stammered in awe when the nurse pulled out the coolest stainless steel encased saw I had ever seen.

It oscillated instead of spun.
It hummed instead of buzzed.
It sliced through the thickest part of the cast like Eva Chen against the OU Defensive line.
It left not a spec of dust in the air, nor a shred of fiberglass on my little one's arm.

I, had serious saw envy.

The nurse must have recognized the look on my face and the serious bulge in my...eyes, for while she wiped down PK's newly minted arm with a cleanser/moisturizer, she proceeded to tell me about a home version of this most coveted piece of cutting machinery that was available...for a price.

Here it is, in all it's German Engineered, as-seen-on-tv, wonder and glory. The Fein Multimaster Oscillating Tool.

Oh, and PK was fine, btw.

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